The Invisible Mother

A few things have happened lately that have got me thinking.

The First Thing
We recently re-mortgaged and in doing so changed banks. So we met with the over-eager sales people who gushed and bounced and called me "Trudes". There are about five people in the world for whom calling me "Trudes" is normal. The guy at the bank isn't one of them.
The Sound Guy happened to be in town for this financial event, so he came with me, and there ensued A LOT  of drooling on the behalves of the bank people about his job, the bands he's worked with, the travel he does, the romance of his life.
They didn't once ask me about what I do. Because, on their piece of paper, I had listed "no income". So, I don't do anything, right?

The Second Thing
We were at a party recently - we arrived late, and I walked over to The Group with one child and said hello to a few people, then I remembered something I left in the car so went to go and get it, just as The Sound Guy was walking up with the other child. For him, there followed lots of standing and shaking hands as people introduced themselves.

The Third Thing
The Sound Guy recently posted this on his FB page:
I never go to gigs but when Jakob is playing in my home town and I can bike to the venue than I'm there! 
Do you see him mention in that post about how lucky he is that his wife's home to look after the kids?

I'm trying very hard to write this post in a way that doesn't whine.

We've got Oprah saying that being a mother is the hardest job in the world. We've got shit hitting the fan all over the place, horribly high suicide rates, homelessness, terrible divorce rates. For 70years, since the end of WWII, we've squeezed women back into the home, with no other adults around, and we've said "This is now normal. Deal with it."

I have been dreaming recently about buying a one-way-ticket to somewhere far away and only coming back when I feel sane. I tried to get away for a few days when the Sound Guy came home but that shit is expensive. I thought to myself, 'imagine a society that had Mum-hotels - a place where mum's can go and re-charge their batteries' then I thought 'That place used to exist, and you went there in a straight jacket. Or, you went to another place called Valiumville.' And then I thought 'Fuck it's AWFUL that a Mum-hotel would probably be overbooked and have a waiting list that rivaled the hospital system' Surely, that's an indication that something's really fucked up.

And do you know what the response to this is, on a societal level? Twenty Hours free childcare. It sucks when you're doing things differently. You know what I'd like? that money deposited into my bank account. Trouble is, then I'd have to produce lesson plans and vaccination records.

There is SO MUCH research around attesting to how important the early years are for people. But we have a culture which thinks mothering "just happens" and so we get twelve weeks maternity support and are expected to hand them over to a stranger for some kind of "finishing off" process when they're three, or are overtly encouraged back to work even earlier. Because handing our babies over to someone else is apparently just as effective as the Mother doing it. I'm trying to illustrate how the importance of mothering is marginalized - not offend people who have chosen that path.

In a world like this, I can't see a way out. I can't see how we can do things differently which reveres mothers in ways that go beyond lip service. I can only do things differently myself. So, here I am, often on the verge of insanity, silently, invisibly blazing a trail for mother-honouring.

I think what I need is a t-shirt with I AM A MOTHER emblazoned across it. Actually, for maximum irony, it needs to read I AM A .

If any of you have found a way to become visible, help me out here - I need to know!