Authenticity in Parenting

I have been struggling with my own demons for a couple of weeks. I finally went to get acupuncture, and now I'm like an acupuncture-addict; hanging out for the next treatment… and the next… So, at some point after my first treatment, I found the headspace to pick up the book Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. It was recommended to me by someone who has walked this path of respectful parenting far longer than I, and who said something like, it was the most important parenting book that she read on her journey. I bought it a while back and gave it to The Sound Guy to read first. Because it's not nice to always be the person that reads the book and then tells the other person everything they're doing wrong. So, this time he got to do that :-). I got a few "looks" which meant "stand down soldier" and I took a breath and left the room. I got told "We shouldn't tell them what to do", and then got told that I was probably doing most things right, if I could just get my ANGER under control.

Anger has followed me around like a particularly sticky shadow on this parenting journey. Anger has been my constant companion - more than joy but probably not more than connectedness (thank goodness).

At the same time as all this reading was going on, I was lying in bed with not enough energy to open my eyes, but feeling like doing something, so I started listening to a book I've had on my phone for a while. It's called Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. A friend of mine who has experience with addiction has been talking to me about the cycles and the side effects of addiction, and mentioned this codependent thing a couple of times. So, I thought I'd check it out and see where it took me. Well, FAR OUT. Reading these two books together has been mind-blowing.

Connection Parenting gives us exactly two parenting tools: connection and re-connection.

You know what gets in the way of connection? My own shit.

You know what unravelling Codependency has done for me? Explained why my shit is in my life.

See how this all works together?? Amazing how the universe conspires, huh?

So, the other night when it was bedtime - we all go to bed together - we got up off the couch and went to the bathroom. Louis said he didn't need to go. We did our evening ablutions and went to bed. When we were nearly all tucked up, Louis announced that he did in fact need to go. ARGH!!! He has some fears around being by himself, so I needed to go with him. ARGH!!! Didn't he realize that I'd already said Yes, to another episode of Octonauts, Yes to another story, Yes to singing a song… and I was TIRED. Didn't he realize that I was all out of Yeses? Didn't he?!! So I resentfully got out of bed and stomped to the bathroom, shouting something along the lines of "I ASKED you whether you wanted to go!!" THEN, I remembered the book. The codependence one. I remembered that it said that when we're saying Yes but feeling No, when our Yeses are inauthentic, it's a breeding ground for resentment. We quickly move from this Yes (rescuing) to Persecution (why doesn't he realize) to victim (I'm so tired I can't deal with this!). It's called the Karpman Triangle. WOW. I think that triangle just changed my life.

So, the next night it went a little more like this:
All of us on the couch, approaching bed time "Mama, shall we watch one more?" "Ok, but honey I'm really tired, so you can choose to either watch one more or read a story when we get to bed. Which would you like?" "Hmmmmmm, how about watch this, read a story, but no song?" "Yep, sure."
And then when it was time for evening ablutions, "Remember last night, let's all go to the toilet now so we don't have to get out of our snuggly bed again." And we did. Then on the way to bed, Louis figured out his book was in the car, "Mama, can you go and get my book out of the car?" I really thought about whether I wanted to, and you know what? I didn't. So I said so. Louis' response to that was "Ok, I'll choose a different one." WTF man, really? This authentic parenting thing is THAT easy? Amazing.

It seems to me that Louis is constantly pushing me towards authenticity. I think he has a very highly tuned BS-radar, and pushes and pushes until I'm authentic. Somehow, even an angry-and-authentic mother is preferable to a trying-to-please-inauthentic mother. It's like he senses he's on dicey ground when I'm being inauthentic, and more stable when I'm being authentic, whether that's finally saying no in anger (not really ideal) or saying no straight up when that's authentic (much more useful).

So, I've been checking my Yeses. Usually I'm checking my No's to see if they can be Yeses. Now I'm checking my Yeses too. And it's been completely liberating. Yay! for reading two self-help books at the same time!

Oh, and I'm also re-reading To Kill A Mockingird in preparation for reading Go Set A Watchman, which I am super excited about. And you know what? I love how Atticus is with his children. I love how he dances the line between respecting his sister's beliefs and his children's beings, I love how respectful he is to everyone, how he has genuine joy and delight in his children. I am intrigued by Harper Lee now - I always wanted to name one of my children after her (and conveniently after Ben Harper - another favourite artist of mine) but alas, I've run out of babies to name. Might need to get a cat.