Birthday Fortnight

Here at Familie Kessels we are directly in the centre of our Birthday Fortnight. The Sound Guy turned 36 on Friday, Louis turned six today, and I will turn 36 in seven days.

As I write this now, it is the exact time that Louis was born in our darkened bedroom on June 1st 2009. I had been in (pre) labour since The Sound Guy's birthday. Three days of piffling contractions, of walking a repetitive path around the block, of not sleeping, of pain and discomfort. Three days of (pre) labour that the midwife told me wouldn't even get me admitted to hospital *if* I wanted to go. Three days of feeling like I was in labour, but being told I wasn't.

And then, at 5pm a sobbing call to my homeopath: I just can't doooooooo this anymore, and a remedy.

And then, at 7pm a stretch a sweep that had me swearing and screaming for the only time during the whole labour.

And then at 9pm a baby boy, in my arms, barely breathing, hiccuping his way, unable to take in all that he needed to, unable to process it all.

And then, a midwife who *knew*, who gave him colostrum, and he grounded, and breathed deeply, and relaxed into his mother's arms, his father's arms, his granny's arms.

And then at one year, a boy with a shining light. And a mother with a somewhat dimmer one. An exhausted mother, a sleep deprived mother, a confused and unanchored mother.

And then at two years, a boy with a shining light. And a mother a little brighter, a little nicer to be around, a little more dancing, in her groove.

And then at three, four, five years, a boy with a shining light. And a mother more and more certain of the path and sometimes possessing the ability to follow it, sometimes succumbing to the possibility that it was all too much.

And now, at six. A boy with a shining light. A boy who refuses to comb his hair, and looks like a cross between a porcupine and a golden retriever. A boy who has held firm to his grip on the world and shown me the way by lighting it with his bright shine. A boy who fills my heart with joy and warmth and love.

In one week I will be 36. One week after Louis was born I turned 30 and was in the thick of the Day Four Blues (they were late). The midwife asked me what I was doing for my birthday and my eyes filled with tears and I said, "I put on some make up" and there was a question implied, "Is that/isn't that enough?"

The Sound Guy's birthday will always signal the start of the lead up to Louis' birth-day. The start of the business end of becoming a family. The start of the focus coming off us, and onto something bigger. And Louis' birthday will always celebrate him and his shining light, and also always signals my entry into this world of motherhood. This 'hood where I am constantly discovering new territory, new navigation methods, new coordinates to explore. My birthday signals the end parentheses on our little baptism into life as a family. The solidification of us as a Unit. The outward breath, and the mantra: We got this.